Post 3, Hospital

Hospital.

So the doctor came over he was quite a stern man with an accent, Nigerian I think. I was a bit out of it but he seemed a bit mean, but then looking back they were overwhelmed with Covid, I was just adding to his work load.

He told me that my x-ray was one of the worse he’s seen. He said and I quote “this is probably going to kill you”!

I had already witnessed a lady across from me being asked if she wanted resuscitating, they told her if she got any worse she didn’t really stand a chance and with Covid being that bad there’s no point trying. There was a man next to me who was wanting to go home because his wife was ill too.

The doctor proceeded to tell me that I had to stay in bed and not move. Not even for the toilet. If I needed to go I was to have a bed pan. To be honest this terrified me more than the dying partly as I was getting bellyache and would later have what they referred to as the Covid poo’s.

I had no idea how I was meant to tell Martin what he had said, so I didn’t. I sent him a selfie instead.

I got moved to the high dependency ward. This is where I met a really kind nurse. I don’t remember her name but she was so lovely. I told her how the doctor had scared the shit out of me (literally). She said not to worry and she would do everything she could to make sure I didn’t die. I knew nobody could promise anything, but it made me feel better the fact that she cared. She fitted me with a catheter so I didn’t have to get up to wee. My energy was so zapped that I couldn’t even lift my bum up for her to get my pants off. I told her to cut them off. To this day I’m still gutted about those pants as they were so comfy (and new). I later found out that that nurse worked on a non Covid ward. She was helping out and by the time I woke up she was back there. She had asked the icu nurses to keep her posted on my progress.

The next thing I remember I think I was in my room in icu. The male nurse Alex was there and a few others. Everyone was in PPE. I think it was Alex who asked me if I was willing to enter a drug trial and also receive plasma from people who had already survived Covid. I didn’t even hesitate, it was a yes!!

Then another nurse came in with a phone, she had called Martin so I could say goodbye before they put me out. He told me that he and the kids love me so much, I wasn’t to worry about them, I need to concentrate on getting better. I told him I loved him and I was sorry to put them all through this and I love the kids.

They took the phone off me, then I was asleep.

I remember the dreams I had all the time. The worse one I had was that I thought I was in The Purge. I was in a hospital and they had taken me down to the basement where the bodies get picked up, there was a cord attached to an alarm that you could ring if you wasn’t actually dead. I kept on ringing it but they thought it was a false alarm. This happened over and over again. Thinking about it, it was probably the alarms going off in the ward. All while the purge was going on outside. I also only had half my body.

I remember being on Skype with Martin and the kids but in my head my kids were little when I left, and I had been missing for 10 years so Martin had moved them all to Thailand. Luckily they hadn’t stopped looking and I turned up in Medway hospital. The kids were grown up and this freaked me out.

I kept on banging my legs on the side of the bed because I was trying to get someone’s attention, to tell them I was still there and not dead. I tried but couldn’t talk.

Every now and then I heard a nurse come and tell me that I was in hospital, that Martin knew I was here and he calls me everyday. I wanted him now but I had to wait for Skype. Then I would be asleep again.

I remember a song playing. Missing by everything but the girl.

Another dream was they had trainees that used to be patients. If they got another patient to use as practice then they got to pick a pet. I had to have loads of tests and they got dirty needles out of the rubbish bin to use on me.

The last one I remember was that I was in a&e and the doctor had put bubble solution in my tracheotomy. It dried like glue. Then they stripped me and people were looking at me through the window. I was scared and trying to call someone to help me but I couldn’t get Martin on my phone. Then the people were talking about me saying horrible things and posting pictures of me on Facebook. It was all very strange. The doctors and nurses thought I was a druggie, they wouldn’t listen that I actually wasn’t. I was a patient on ICU. People kept on knocking on the door to look at me as I was all over social media.

Nothing made any sense.

The first thing I actually remember awake properly was a nurse telling me it was the first time she had seen my eyes, and they were blue like hers. Then she said Martin and the kids are Skyping later.

It was so much better once I was awake but I was so homesick it was unbearable. All I wanted was Martin to give me a hug. When we were on Skype I had the tracheotomy so I couldn’t talk, Izzy could lip read a little. I ended up getting so frustrated. Most of the call would be Martin and Izzy trying to guess what I was saying, and William looking at me looking lost. My heart was breaking into tiny pieces. Not to mention I was missing my nieces and nephews, and was worrying about my mum and dad knowing they would be in bits. It was all such a mess.

I wanted nothing more than to go home.

Bex 💕🌈