I bet you think this blog is about you

Your so vain.

You would think that everything I have gone through that thinking about the way I look would be the last thing on my mind. Well it’s not. Of course I’m concerned about my health and my ongoing recovery but my self confidence is basically in my boots.

Now I’ve never considered myself as typically sexy. I’ve always accidentally managed to surround myself with really good looking people too! This does nothing for your confidence when your the short chubby one!  I always had good hair though. It was beautiful… before it fell out!

I met my husband when I was 15. We are totally wholeheartedly in love with each other. We have had our fair share of ups and downs and we certainly haven’t had an easy ride financially and healthwise, but we have amazing kids that came along as soon as we wanted them. We are happy and I know I’m blessed!

As a curvy girl I did in my 30’s eventually learn to embrace my podgy bits, I was confident that my husband found me attractive.

I loved being a mum and had my own business! I was in my own opinion despite health and money challenges… winning at life!

Then covid struck!

Covid, the little fucker, has ravaged my body! Funnily enough my scars like I said before don’t bother me and I’m proud of them. What I can’t accept is how much my skin has suffered, the acne and dry skin is awful. The meds I’m on are suppressing my appetite but making me pile on weight at the same time. Needing a bipap machine after every meal stops me wanting to eat, especially in public.

Then there’s the o2 cannula that even if your wearing a full face of makeup, all you see is the tubes.

I then have to carry an oxygen cylinder in a very unattractive bag. I also have a mobility scooter that makes me feel like an elderly frail oap.

Before covid I was sort of in a good place. There were campaigns in the media that included plus size, curvy girls, there were people with scars and skin complaints. The media has really started to step up! But in my opinion it still needs to go further.

I would love to see more wheelchairs and mobility aids. I want to see someone representing me and people like me in glamorous sexy campaigns.

It’s not attractive though is it. And that’s exactly how I feel right now. I’ve even told my husband to leave me, as he deserves to have a pretty lady on his arm. Someone he can be proud of and show off. I just don’t feel like I’m up to the job.

I know he loves me, he cares for me so well and he says he still fancies me, I just can’t believe him.

It’s what I think that everyone is thinking too, poor Martin stuck with her… poor Martin a carer to his wife in his 40’s… I don’t know how he can do it.

It’s the inner voice that won’t stop. Whenever people look at us. Let’s face it, nobody’s going to be saying he’s punching above his weight. Or he’s a lucky bloke!

It’s so different now, I used to look after him and the kids. Now they all look after me.

A positive is I love my hair now, now the new hair has stopped poking up like me majeika! I’m embracing the curls that have replaced my straight hair!

No matter how hard I try to get my head around it. The bipap mask I sleep in is never going to be anything but a passion killer, unless Martin develops a fancy for fighter pilots!

Im still working on my confidence and I know we all have insecurities, mine are just all mostly new to me and I need to learn how to shut them up.