Home Part One.
So I was home. All was well in the world as I had my family back. The first thing I decided to do turned out to be a massive mistake. I had a bath. I had so much nice LUSH bath stuff for Christmas and nobody had stolen it, so I had a lovely hot bath for the first time in over a month. I had a hair wash and conditioning treatment on my long thick hair. It had become really tangled in icu despite the nurses trying to keep it nice. The only trouble was trying to get out again. We put towels at the bottom of the bath so I could get a grip on the floor but that didn’t work with my dead arm and I was so weak it was impossible. Martin ended up helping me put both legs over the side and pulled me as hard as he could with a little help from Izzy. I slid up and out. I was so relieved as I was starting to panic and having visions of calling the paramedics out to help!
It took Izzy over an hour to get all of the tangles out of my hair Bob Marley would have been jealous of my dreadlocks… but she did it. I was so proud of her.
I felt weak but amazing to be home. I had brand new pyjamas and slippers so I was all warm clean and cosy ready to open up all of the cards and presents people had sent me. I was so overwhelmed with people’s generosity and kindness. I couldn’t believe the amount of money izabelle and William had raised. I was amazed how much and how many people had donated. All of that fundraising went directly to ICU at Medway hospital, I’m so pleased about that!
I even had celebrity messages, one from Olivia Newton John and one from Lucie Jones from waitress. (I will put them in the gallery.) The song, A soft place to land was put on for me to listen to in hospital, and is one of Izzys favourite songs from the show. I was so homesick at the time I balled my eyes out to it. I can’t listen to it now without it making me cry, but in a good way. It made me feel closer to Izzy when I was apart from her.
Although I was feeling great to be home over the next few days it became obvious that I had come home too soon. I was Hallucinating loads. Seeing people who wasn’t there. I saw George my lovey George pie who we lost a couple of years ago, my very own doggy guardian angel. I was sitting on the toilet once in the middle of the night and I saw a snake go into a pile of dirty washing. For someone that couldn’t walk much I jumped into the bath quick enough. I remember telling Sadie off for hoovering up the fish in the front room although I was in the bedroom telling myself off in the mirror, I even tried to eat my phone thinking it was a cinnamon danish!! It got a bit much as Martin although would think it was funny and made light of it was starting to get a bit freaked out and worried for me.
Then there was the panic attacks that were so bad that I would end up wetting myself. I once wet myself in the car outside the hospital. I felt awful but I couldn’t control it. It got worse and worse as I started panicking about making it to the toilet so would have the commode with me wherever I was in the house. I was weak so nothing could be done quickly. I ended up with boxes of incontinence pads and waterproof sheets on my bed. The continence nurse said that having a catheter for so long hadn’t helped as my muscles were out of practice. Then the panic attacks were making it worse.
I wasn’t sleeping at all really, and eating was a mission as I was struggling to eat and breathe at the same time, then I would get full up really quickly. I could eat maybe 1/3 of my dinner. I lost nearly 2 stone after I came out of hospital. I wasn’t worried about that though as I had enough extra weight to lose, every cloud has a silver lining… I seem to be putting it back on too easily now so I’m going to have to watch what I eat to try and keep it off. I was dreading the night times as I just couldn’t get comfy. My arm was so painful that wherever I put it I was in agony. Then the duvet felt like a led weight on top of me. I couldn’t lay down flat or on my side. I had to sit up, I ended up back in the living room most nights watching all the soaps and dramas I had missed when I was in hospital. Martin would not leave my side and would follow me in and sleep on the opposite sofa. I ended up trying to sleep in the bedroom just so he would fall asleep then I would sneak out into the living room. He would always come and find me if he wok up though.
I had a carer at that point, a lovely lady called Bernie. She was brilliant. If I had no energy she would fill a bowl and wash me in the front room. She would come round every morning around 7am. She was a good support for Martin too, another support for Martin was my friend Lou, she’s a nurse and would give him advise and tell him what to do, if things were normal etc. as well as my mum and dad, martins mum, dad and sister were all amazing. Although I hadn’t seen anyone other than my immediate family because we were all so paranoid about spreading the virus or being reinfected. I became very obsessed with everyone getting the vaccine. Im happy to say we are all double jabbed now. We are all also fine. There was nothing to worry about.
I remember my chest was starting to get a little bit rattly and I remember thinking to mention it to the doctor next time I speak to her. Bernie came around and I got my first proper shower and hair wash since the bath debacle. When she left Martin went out the front to do something with the cars, so I was in the living room with Izzy. I vaigely remember starting to have a panic attack because I needed a wee and I worried I wouldn’t make it and was going to wet myself again. I stood up and told Izzy to get dad… then I couldn’t breathe. I remembered my mum saying something about breathing into a paper bag so told them to get me one. That was the last thing I remember. What actually happened next was out of our worst nightmares. Martin said that I went grey and my eyes rolled back into my head, I had collapsed onto the floor. He put me into recovery position and called 999. Martin then had to resuscitate me, he literally saved me. My hero! The ambulance came, then the air ambulance landed over on the field opposite our house. My new coffee table was chucked up on its side out of the way, then one of the doctors who was trying to find a line ended up with my blood squirting all over him and my new rug! They ended up cutting my top off in my front garden. William was getting to hump with a group of teenage boys who were trying to record the action and Izzy was getting the hump with the bystanders taking pictures. Luckily the ambulance crew had to foresight to put up a blanket so nobody got an eyeful of my boobs, thank the lord we live in a bungalow and so does my neighbour. The next thing I actually remember was waking up in ICU thinking it was a dream, I thought to myself go back to sleep and if I’m still here in half an hour I’m not dreaming… I wasn’t! The next thing that happened was me being woken up with doctors around me pulling out the tube in my throat! I went into fight mode as I had no idea what they were doing to me, I was punching and kicking them. I must of hurt them as I had swollen, bruised knuckles afterwards! One of the doctors clamped my mouth shut to help with my panic attack. I needed to breathe through my nose. It really worked so I got her to carry on doing it. I remember calming down once I saw Alex, then I got to facetime Martin and the kids. Just as the call finished Emma came in the ward to start her night shift. I was gutted to be back in there but I was happy to have nurses and doctors that I knew. I ended up with my own room again so I spent the next few days watching Netflix doing exactly as I was told. I was obviously home sick again but I had my phone and the log in for all our streaming services so it was bearable. I was stalking Martin too. I made them FaceTime me when they were watching tv in the evening so I felt like I was home with them.
Bex 💕🌈
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