(Post 10) Cry baby 😢

Over the last couple of days I seem to have got upset really easily. It’s stupid. Ive obviously cried a few times since I’ve been home but recently I’ll cry because my hair is crap, I’m fed up with spots… or this morning because Martin wanted a lay in so I had to wait to have a bath and get dressed. I think that one is basically the loss of my independence. My ability to just take a pain killer and get on with it has kept me going through fibromyalgia and hyper mobility. Yes I was in pain but I can deal with that, there’s so much I have lost.

I can’t drive at the moment as we only have manual cars until Penelope the puma arrives, I can’t wash or get dressed without help or even do my own hair.

Getting used to having help for everything is one of my biggest hurdles.

I can’t even lock the bathroom door when I’m on the loo, although at least I’m allowed to close it now!! I haven’t been left on my own since it all happened and I always have a babysitter.

I miss things like popping to Bluewater with Izzy and having a mooch around the shops, theres always such a fuss. The staff have to be accommodating for you, and then you feel you have to buy something. I can’t just browse. Im desperate to visit Rochester high street but theres cobbles and little old fashioned shops with steps. The thought of getting the staff to get a ramp out for me just so I can browse fills me with dread. I’m not saying they wouldn’t be willing but I don’t want to draw attention to myself really.

Thats one of the reasons why I left our last gym. They have loads of classes that are also open to non members.

So I go through the drama of getting my swimsuit on, after having to wait for a mum and baby to finish in the exclusively disabled toilet and changing room, leaving me to deal with the smelly nappy smell coming from the bin, even though there is family changing in the main changing room… but I’m not judging as some disabilities are invisible and I’m ignoring the fact that the babies nappy would have had to be changed where I’m going to sit naked and dress/wash. So I get in the pool only to find that the shallow end, the one bit I can go in without help, is full of parents and babies doing a class. I honestly don’t care who I share a pool with but to get in the deep end I need the hoist and thats right where the class is going on in the middle and I don’t fancy an audience while the beached whale is being lowered in. So I think, ok ill just get in the jacuzzi, only to find its closed for maintenance and won’t be open again until tomorrow so I just sat there. In my swimming costume. I feel like I’ve already run a marathon just getting ready for the pool. Looking like a dick, and from nowhere the tears start falling down my face. I felt humiliated. Martin and the kids didn’t really know what to do as I couldn’t go in the deep end because the water would crush my lungs and I can only go in as high as my boobs. The receptionist knew us and booked our swim session in, they knew our situation but not once thought to let us know what was happening. A simple just checking your ok with a class going on and by the way the Jacuzzi is out of order would have been really helpful.

Funnily enough we have since moved gyms. Im happy to say the whole of The Village is accessible, and disability friendly.

Like I have already said in a previous post I'm shocked how much smaller the world is now I'm disabled. Yes I had limited mobility before and would need a stick if I was going anywhere walking was an issue, but now I'm fully in the club it feels like a really lonely place to be. I don't even blame other people, if you haven't had to deal with disability then how would you know anyway.

have a lovely day

Bex 💕🌈

(PS. the Dermalogica lady was so so lovely but I definitely felt like a dick when they asked if I would take a picture. I can't look at it without cringing lol)