Post 4, Awake

Awake

The first few weeks out of the coma were awful. I had a tracheotomy so I couldn’t talk, anyone that knows me will know that’s a problem for me. I couldn’t sleep properly, just a couple of hours at a time. I made friends with all of the night staff as well as the day. I loved the squaddies that had come in to help in the height of the pandemic. I can’t tell you how brilliant they were! They were the best! There wasn’t anything they wouldn’t do (within reason). They were mainly there for me when it was Skype time. I remember Dominic, and also this youngster who couldn’t have been much older than Izzy. He was adorable. He was called Liam, Or William. He just reminded me of my kids. He would make it easier by talking to Martin and the kids, we would all sit and have a laugh. He would join in trying to translate what I was saying too. When the panic attacks started he would pull up a chair and sit and hold my hand! I have never met anyone so kind and caring apart from my boys at home. I would love to tell his mum what a great son she has and how proud she should be of him. My mum bought me a teddy and named it after the soldier who looked after me.

When I was transferred to a lower ward he couldn’t come with me as they had so many admissions that day. I later found out that they had all come down to see me after their shift but I had been discharged by then. I was gutted. My favourite nurse Emma had done the same but missed me too. I wish I could remember everyone’s names but I can’t, I doubt I would recognise most of them now too because of the PPE I didn’t really see anyone’s full face the whole time I was there.

The first time the physio’s got me to stand up was a massive shock. I couldn’t understand why my legs wouldn’t work, I literally had to learn how to walk again.

Every time I wanted to move it took a couple of nurses to turn me over with a special sheet. To put me on a chair I had to lay flat and be slide aeross on a board then on the special chair that went flat. Then they would slowly sit me up. I couldn’t go far as I was attached by the tracheotomy, and toilet bags.

Thats until they removed them and I was allowed the bed pan again… that wasn’t great when antibiotics give me a dodgy belly. It was better than the butt plug/tube thing I had before, it was attached to a bag at the end of the bed. That and the poxy catheter, any dignity I had well and truly went when your attached to a bag of wee and poo. Then every time you ‘go’ they either weigh or measure it. 🤢 I started to get bed sores too. They were hot on that though and had magic cream.

I also had the blood oxygen monitor that would buzz loudly if it came off, then needed resetting by the nurse. This happened a lot as my hand wasn’t working at that point, as well as my arm.

My arm and shoulder really hurt but I couldn’t move it, or feel the skin if I touched it, but then in places it was also really sensitive to touch.It’s not improved much to this day and the big doctors in London believe that being put on my front (prone) to help my breathing when I was in a coma has damaged a nerve in my shoulder. They don’t know if or when it’s likely to come back. But I see it as if I was asked do I want to live without my right arm or die of Covid what would I choose? It’s an easy lose the arm. It means I will never be able to put my own bra on, but Martin was good at taking them off so he soon learned how to put them on instead.

The day the tracheotomy came out was amazing. Emma was there holding my hand. The doctor took it out in seconds. I had a dressing put over the hole, but I could finally speak!! I think they later regretted that though! Liam was on in the afternoon he came in and said hello and I said hello back the smile I got was great. Then he waited for Dominic to come in to say hello (they always did) because Liam wanted to see his reaction too. He didn’t disappoint. I couldn’t wait to speak to Martin and the kids properly. Mum too. I ended up FaceTiming everyone and wearing myself out. I would run out of voice!!

After speech and language therapy had been down to assess me I got to have my nasal tube removed too. They watched me eat a variety of food just to check that I could. Then my first solid meal was a roast dinner. It was amazing! Even if I could only eat 1/4 of it. It was the best microwaved broccoli I had ever eaten.

I wouldn’t leave Martin alone after that, he was so sweet he would just look at me and smile while the kids were talking to me. It was a bit strange because I didn’t feel like I had missed so much but in reality we had been apart for over a month. He was told by the doctors to prepare for the worse a couple of times too.

When we were first reunited it felt like the beginning again. I loved him so much that I never wanted to leave his side, or him me. I even caught him watching me sleep a few times… Weirdo.

When I was stepped down I was so home sick it hurt. I would badger the doctors everyday. the only way they would let me home was if my oxygen levels would stay above 90 without oxygen, it took a few days but I did it. I also had to be able to walk with a zimmer frame, and use the commode on my own. I jumped through every hoop, and made a couple of friends on the ward while I was at it too. We still talk on facebook now. After my initial breakdown and panic attacks, (going onto a ward where there was 1 nurse to a few of you rather than at least 1 to 1 was a massive shock. I was threatening to get an uber home leading to Martin getting my mum to give me a talking to, I actually had quite a laugh on that ward in the end.

Nobody could sleep though. They would wake you up when you had finally got to sleep to take your obs. Then the poor lady with dementia would start shouting and crying so sleep was a very distant memory. There was a man at the back of the ward who would do the same, he would howl while she would scream. It was like being surrounded by a wearwolf and a banshee. I completely understand that they couldn’t help it, and to be honest we got used to it to the point that when there was a new admission who got really shirty about it, we felt protective of them. I think Martin had unwittingly let the banshee out when he brought in supplies for me, he said that she had been apprehended by the security guard at the entrance on his way back out. God knows where she was going in her nighty and bare feet. It was snowing outside. I felt for her though, I was tempted to do the same.

I was eventually granted my wish. Martin had to bring me outside clothes, but he had an appointment before he could come get me.

The snow was getting heavier and I was getting dangerously close to being snowed in, and stuck at the hospital. He got me in time though, thank the lord! William had no idea I was coming home so I got to surprise him too. We had Chinese for tea. I was in absolute heaven!

Bex 💕🌈